Sunday, January 30, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
and Sunday i saw a picture of just what Jesus desires this raw worship to look like.
a little boy. a perfect, beautiful little boy in a wheelchair is about 4 rows in front of me. on the end of an aisle. not where he usually sits so i usually don't get to see him until after church. there he is strapped in his chair. his mom beside him worshiping. and he begins to worship. worship like i have never seen. the kind that catches you off guard and takes your breath away. clapping his hands, smiling up towards the sky all at the same time. and being who i am my mind went here...
imagine what goes through his mind some days. he probably thinks about how he is a burden. he probably wishes he could go to the movies like his brothers. he probably thinks that no one will ever love him enough to marry him and take care of him.
but he praises. and to Jesus its probably the most pure form. because he is sitting in a chair he may never get out of. he is clapping with hands that go through physical therapy. he is pursuing his creator even though he may feel inadequate but he knows to our Daddy he is perfect. he was made in His image. there is not one flaw in Him.
clapping when we can hardly move our hands.
and all the while Jesus is looking us straight in the face like He did to Peter saying, "what's it to you?" we can't judge our stories based on other peoples. He uses us differently. and yes, we are all made in His image but we all are different. He molds our hearts and shapes our stories.
paint a canvas. project something onto some screen. color a picture. take a picture. make a movie. teach a class. move to China. just do whatever He wants you to.
worship Him fully. trust Him continuously. and do something good for His kingdom.
and read John 21.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
my daddy got home. told me something about a wreck he heard about on the way home. i didn't think anything of it. a wreck to a sixth grader is something uncomprehendable. it happened to a stranger. a poor family. we prayed for them. daddy really prayed for them.
our house phone rang. it was for me. it was mandy.
"hey ivy. did you hear?"
that's all i remember. i couldn't comprehend it. i didn't want to hear it. i was scared to death.
my friend jacob. was in that wreck. my friend jacob and his sister were trapped in the backseat. my friend jacob. died. as a sixth grader he left this earth to go dance with our Jesus.
the next hours were full of questions. full of tears. full of screaming. screaming in my room. screaming at God.
i distinctly remember with my hair soaking wet from the shower and all in my face sitting on the couch with my daddy. he patted his lap. i got right on it. i cried. him and mama probably shed quite a few of their own those next few hours and days. with swollen eyes and a hurting heart i looked at my daddy and i said, "daddy, i'm scared."
that fear was validated. it was understandable. i had realized how fragile life was. not just my Granny's life who died four years earlier but the lives of people my age. the lives of merely children. and i was scared. and i was honest. and i was raw. i didn't care who saw that.
and that is exactly where i am right now.
every single prayer starts or ends with "Daddy, i'm scared." this is a big year. i finish college. i fill out applications for the next step. i will seek God daily for where He wants the next season of my life to be spent. i am going to say goodbye to the only life i have ever known. school since i was 5. how do i do life without school? how do i leave Jamie? how do i think about getting on a plane and praying my grandparents won't get sick while i am serving overseas?
these questions plague my mind. and i am not going to even attempt to act like i have it all together. i am a mess. a wreck. but the thought of not going where He sends me makes me even more of a wreck. the lives He is preparing in this very moment. the harvest He is preparing. it gets me so excited. so excited to see what He is going to do this year. in the next five years. in the next twenty years of my life. to see where He will take me and my future husband. to imagine the red, yellow, black, and white family that He has for me. everything is moving so fast. i can remember writing in my journal about 2010. and now. its long gone. His promises still remain though. He doesn't lie. ever. and He will come through.
2 more semesters to shine on my campus. 2 more semesters to reach my professors. 2 more semesters to be intentional with every single word. every single action. every single attitude. every single grade. i have Jesus. and i need to represent Him in the purest light i know how.
and that scares me. merely weeks to show them Christ. merely weeks.
i will not stand back and watch my peers run away from God. pretend He is dead. because He is alive. and He is stirring up a revolution bigger than anyone can ever imagine. He is here. even now. even when the problems of this world seem strong, He is stronger. He is good. He is in control even.now.
Daddy, i'm scared but i'm jumping anyways.