white knuckles in the middle of the desert.

it was a long drive from the city to the bush. miles upon miles of desert. rocks. dirt. repeat.

i talked some. but some of the time i found myself quiet. sitting. staring. wondering what this whole thing could turn into.

{don't panic yet. wait it out, sweet people. keep reading.}

days spent in the bush. alone to talk with our Daddy. to see what His plan is for this place i call home. and it turned into something i wasn't expecting.

He shook me up.

He. shook. me. up.

i mean...let's be real...i am already shaken. stirred. all that jazz. i mean for Pete's sake....i am living in Africa.

but here is the deal.

i live here with white knuckles. it's a regular occurence in my life. probably in yours too.

we know He has control. He writes the story. but goodness...i like to hold on to what i THINK should happen. where i THINK i should go. how long i THINK i should be there.

He loosened my grip. held my hand. and eased my fears. all in the middle of the desert.
but not without standing firm in His endearing, stern Daddy voice...the one that makes me stand at attention and not question His plans.

so i am sure of a few things. He is good. His plans for me are good. Africa has STOLEN my heart. the Somali people...are for me to love.

so i will come home. for a while. {no freaking out, please}. spend time with family. get a big girl job. spend every waking moment with people i love more than life.

learn to drive a stick.
look at somali. prepare to learn it once i get back somewhere.
get credentials.

i am confident that He has it together.

 and that means my no running water needed, Africa loving, baby holding, moutain climbing man of a husband too. Africa has made my prayers for him increase to new heights. and i am pretty sure he is a baller.

so a long blog post to say what could be said in a sentence.

He writes beautiful stories. sends us to perfect places. lets us love an imperfect people. and helps losen our grip in the middle of a dry land.

mungu ni muema.

stranded.

i currently am living in the country that makes the ellen show and is in the funny crossword puzzles. djibouti is a country famous for one thing...sounding like your booty.

it's a place plagued by disease. stolen by poverty. and hurt by greediness. and i never want to forget it.

i want to remember what it feels like to walk down the street and feel rocks under my feet. to feel the sweet hands that grab mine and walk with me. to remember the way the dirty, wet kisses feel on my cheeks at least 30 times a day. to remember having to jump over puddles of water that stinks in the worst way possible.

i want to take in everything. and save it. to bottle it up.

the way the incense smells in the street. the way my students look when i teach them a new concept. the way the market looks early in the morning before everyone gets out. the sounds outside by window after the sun goes down.

i never want to get used to it. never. i want it to stay new.

for the rumble of the bas-yar going through town to remain a little sketchy. for the immense amount of goats everywhere to still startle me a little bit. for the smell of food cooking mixed with exhaust fumes to always remind me of this sweet place that i call home.

and the current question on my heart is...will i always feel so stranded? stranded between countries and people that i love so much?

stranded.

wanting the people i love most to experience it all. to see His power in ways that i can't describe with measely words on a computer screen. to see the beautiful people He created. to feel the way the babies tug on your heart. the way you learn that they don't need you as much as you need them. to see the bigger picture. to realize it's not about us. ever. to hear the mix of 4 languages coming together.

stranded.

missing the people at home. but not wanting to even think about leaving. wanting to bring pieces of this place home. preferrably in the human form.

stranded.

seeing the faces of poverty. holding the ones who have no father or mother. feeding those with swollen faces and bellies. touching those with diseases. loving those who are unlovable. blessing those who curse me. and walking with the lonely.


who would have thought living a life without water most of the time and the smell of sewage everywhere would have COMPLETELY captivated me? it reeled me right in.

i was a goner from the very beginning.

it's like a disease. with no cure. it has taken over.

i am in love. the good kind of love. the best kind of love. the kind you don't ever want to live without.

and it will remain like that. inshallah....(if G wills it).

Romeo.

one of my biggest fears before I came wasn't that I would be injured. or kidnapped. or killed even. I didn't really concern myself with how dirt I would be all hours of the day or the fact that I wouldn't have a lot of water. but I did worry about coming in vain.

coming across the world for no reason. for no purpose. leaving without one life changed. without hope given to at least one. just one little life is worth it all.

well, our Daddy takes care of these things. He is the only one who can. and He knows my love language unlike any other. and He speaks it everyday.

today that love language and easing of fear came after a day of relying completely on Him. long hours spent wishing I was home. in my bed. in my house. in my comfort zone. with air conditioning and good clean water. He didn't give me those things but He was here with me the whole time. and that was evident. through a tear stained pillow. phone calls from home. and verses that reassured me that "my sweet darling, it is just for a little while." that little while felt like forever. and I am still getting over a bacteria/water/stomach issue that only Africa could deliver so horribly. but He is here. He was here. and He will be here. even when the moments of "uh, what did I get mysef into?" arise again.

so today was a day of faking the happiness. acting like I was feeling AWESOME while teaching. smiling at every person I see, because I believe that is a little way He eases in to shine. and it may be a way He eases me into their hearts. into a place where He can take control.

I have 18 students. most of them show up everyday. and they are all precious. but there are a few who have stolen my heart. Amal is one of those. her english is very good but she wanted a class with her peers. and she has picked up quite the uh, may I say....Ivy accent. today she could not come to class. so she sent a note by a classmate that read.

"Dear Ivy,
I'm Amal. I want to tell you I can't come this afternoon at class because I have some problem in my home and I have a problem in me. You can't understand because you are not in my heart but please give me a little time to arrange my problems. Thank you too much. Amal"

oh, my heart. how precious is that. maybe I am just reading into this...but I know someone who likes to start working on broken pieces...putting them back together. nzambe malamu.

I went to check on her at the store. she is well. smiling like always. and said she will talk my with me tomorrow about her problem. loving on them is my favorite part of teaching. FAVORITE part.

as I left the school and headed for the "french" side of town. I get to be a little more at ease .take off my veil. which feels awesome after a fever and temps way above 102. my kiddos usually recoginize me in my hood. of course...hojo ivy. but today they were on the wrong side of town. but that did not stop them. running. screaming. clapping. the whole nine yards in the middle of downtown. it was a parade of sorts. overwhelmed? yes. tickled? yes.

now, I do not speak Somali or Afar. (but I will soon. even if that means studying in the 229) so our language barrier means I dance, I smile, I laugh, they laugh, they point, I look, we high five. we act like we could understand each other, but we can't. it's really the coolest thing I have ever experienced.

I might have taught one of them the slick hand move where you slide it on your hair...grease style....when somone goes to shake your hand. he pulled it on me today. and laughed so hard he fell down. then there is Romeo. who after seeing his friend's move, he took my hand and kissed it. then kissed my other hand. then my first hand again. he got a little carried away. and giggled the whole time. then said thanks, hojo ivy. my heart.

these are some everyday evidences that He indeed is working among me. stirring up a revolution, one of love, compassion, mercy, and hope. let's believe in that HOPE. for He is able.

shine on.

a broken bed.

tomorrow marks a month that I have been here. a MONTH. cannot believe it.
the day I arrived consisted of lots of jet lag. and tears after seeing my neighborhood. I think I was in shock. my roommate left and I had some intense conversations with Daddy.

why me? why here? why now?

and boy, did He answer.
"because I chose you for these people for this place for this time. do you not see My plan?"

and alone in this tiny apartment with no connection to the outside world it all made sense. living for SUCH A TIME AS THIS. Esther 4:14.

once I put it all in His hands my fears were put at ease. He delivered me from them. His plan does indeed make sense.

I pass hundreds of beggars a day. most handicapped. sitting on a piece of cardboard with nothing to call their own but what is on their back. I get followed by street kids who have taken a liking to me. they love me and I love them so much. they live alone...in the streets...being exposed to fighting, to sexual abuse, to dangers of all sorts. their means of survival are composed of their sweet faces, begging...pleading for a little bit of food, water, money...anything. the people in my neighborhood have learned my name. I am that crazy white girl. the only one who lives here. the one who kisses babies. and shakes hands. and says hello to everyone I see. they see me coming and prepare themselves. the kids call me "hojo ivy"...mother. they get special treats. sometimes they go with me to the grocery store. sometimes they play futbol with me. but most of the time I end up with a baby on my hip no matter where I am and I don't mind one bit.

when I see their faces His words ring clear..."let THEM come unto Me...." He loved them and so do I. I long to be His hands to them. to show them love. what it looks like, what it feels like, what it can do...radically change you.

I have smelled the smells of a people that need something they don't even realize they need. I have passed by open hands that do not know that what they need I cannot give them. I hear babies cry every minute of the day. I see desperation. I smell hopelessness...mixed with sewage and trash. I walk through mud thinking of what it must be like to live in that. I miss water most days and become grateful that we even have a water supply. I eat food and find someone to take the leftovers...food here is far too precious to sit in a refrigerator.

I have sat holding babies who have never been held by their mother. I have fed babies that are so sick they throw up when food touches their mouth. I have cried over the sweet ones who have a disorder that has handicapped them physically and mentally. I have been disappointed that WE have not done more. that we have not adopted. that we have not sent aide. I have sang a lot of songs they cannot understand. I have taught babies "hello" and "bye bye." I have seen a special little man lay in a swing meant for an infant and have seizures. I have seen the other special little man choke on his on mucus. I have realized that there is no way that I cannot adopt as many children as possible...some of those being from the very place I rock babies. I have felt the fingers of a baby trace my face and stare into my eyes because he never had the opportunity to do that to his own mother. I have felt ashamed that I acted like this world didn't exist. that the fly infested orphanages with babies screaming, babies that are dehydrated, babies that need someone to hold them, babies that cling to anything that resembles a mother, babies that need medical attention, babies that cannot help themselves but are depending on us to live out what J commanded...did not exist. but oh, sweet friends, they do. and I kiss every single baby every minute I can. I tell them how special they are and that there is a special family who will love them....not even knowing if that is true. and if His plan means a tear stained pillow case every single night...I have to be okay with that.

I have taught students who respect me. who listen to me. who are the smartest in the world. and I am not biased at all :) they have picked up so fast. some cannot read. some cannot write. some cannot even detect one letter from another. but man, are they great! I love it! the biggest class the school has ever had...just a revolution getting ready.

rocks thrown. words said. screams yelled. hand held. feet dirtied. ball kicked. babies held. mamas hugged. buses ridden. hospital visited. students loved. water outage. power cuts. dreams realized. visions fulfilled. yarps answered. fears stomped on. languages being learned. friends missed. long emails read.

bed broken. (this happened night 2) welcome, to the real Africa :)

He is worth it people. go do something not for your glory, but His today. make a difference. love somebody hard. give your money away. be willing to look stupid. for Him. only Him. He's the only good thing worth giving it all for.

Nzambe malamu.

pumped up kicks.

done with college. no job. waiting for Africa.

as i sit here staring at our dining room...now the packing room of Ivy ....i see 2 huge suitcases packed. that are a testament of faithfulness and willingness.

an email on December 28 changed the course of my life. or at least my life for 2012.

long days waiting on "go" with a quiet restlessness that no one could quite understand.

sitting on pins and needles. waiting for an answer. any answer. the answer i wanted. the answer i didn't want. but ultimately waiting to hear the answer that He wanted.

He has the say so and that is been CLEARLY evident in this adventure.

my house and room are filled with all things Sudan. and people all across the country...actually all across the world have been thinking of, lifting up the country...the country they thought i was going to.

SURPRISE! it wasn't in vain. and i do not regret not one thing that has happened.

has it been tough? oh, yeah.

has it been an emotional roller coaster with a whole lot of feet dangling, heart racing, tear stained face, stomach in my throat drops? oh, most definitely.

but have i learned to trust the one who leading me more than i trust myself? yes.

have i seen His faithfulness cover me like a literal avalanche every single day? yes.

and i have witnessed professors, former classmates, and people in general stand in awe that He has given me the peace and courage to press on in this adventure? yes.

doors have been opened. things are going good. a big package was sent off to Washington DC. plane tickets will be bought this week. and the people closest to me are mostly in denial that the time has come.

but oh, what a joyful time this is.

i have danced around my house more times than i can count. to the answer of no. and the answer of yes.

i am nervous but filled to the brim with anticipation of what He will do.
i am scared but filled with peace knowing He is in control.

He is my constant. and for that simple fact alone, i am grateful.

March 2 is my tentative leave date.

my long skirts, Columbia shirts, bandanas, chacos, TOMS and head scarves are ready. but i will use these next 2 weeks to prepare this heart for the world. literally, the world. His world that He so graciously has given me the chance to love.

i am living out a story that unfortunately very few people understand. do i have family and friends that support me and love me every single step of the way? of course.

but my heart is one that is wild about the world. and the nations. and seeing babies fed and people clothed. in my city. and in my world.

and i just can't sit still.


keep on shining, sweet people. more to come soon!

hello, anyone out there?

hello, precious ones.

i have a post ready for you this week but tonight, i need something from you...


my curiosity has gotten the best of me. my stats tell me you all are from all over the world. Japan, Russia, Canada, Germany...

i want to know who you are!

give a little roll call or shout out in the comment section.

hope your week is wonderful and your heart is full.

shine on.

beautiful things.

in the room next to me sleeps a brand new 20 year old.

the room she is sleeping in is MY room taken over by Jamie shortly after her brain surgery years ago. i live my days in there, live my nights in her room. because she just decided that she didn't like her twin bed anymore. and i might have given in.

that's what little girls named Jamie do to you...they make your head spin and shake up your life a little bit. and steal your heart in the process.

20 years ago...i waited in the waiting room for hours with my Prissy and every other residing person of Albany, GA just waiting for Jamie Leigh Laing to arrive.

20 years ago...God threw my parents a curve ball that they never could have expected.

20 years ago...He decided to show off His faithfulness and love through a tiny baby girl who would live her life proffing the doctors wrong.

i've spent these 20 years watching my parents fight for the helpless. (i think i know where i get part of it from) not just for Jamie but for every child that will walk through Dougherty County's special education program. for every child that isn't gettting what they deserve...they have fought. they've won some, lost a lot. but He has given immense favor.

i've spent these 20 years learning how to REALLY seek God. to plead my case before Him. to go to bed with tear stained pillow cases and swollen eyes. you can read about it in books or study it in school all you want to but until you watch your sister (or daughter) have seizures back to back. or have someone call them the forbidden "R" word. or hear her cry and not know what is wrong. THAT makes you realize at a VERY early age you need Him more than you ever thought possible. and i am thankful for the opportunity to realize that when i was so little.

sitting at my Granny's and hearing her explain to me one day when Jamie was really sick that if we have faith like a mustard seed, all things are possible with our God. it hits you. this isn't just some random uh-oh that happened in the labor and delivery room. this is orchestrated by her very maker. the One who made her, made her perfect.

i've spent these 20 years seeing her prove the doctors wrong. and this past year was no different. Jamie started back with occupational therapy and her strength/flexibility on her right side has grown immensely. she also can walk with her physical therapist holding onto her arm beside her. the doctors said we would NEVER see that. and look where we are.

20 years of anticipating a huge miracle that quite frankly happens daily and i hardly ever realize it. 20 years. it's hard to believe.

do you know the rates of marriage of handicap children are going down? more divorces happen in these circumstances than any other. statistics also show that siblings of disabled children have a tendency to be rebellious, do drugs, and run away.

can i get a hallelujah. if those stats don't do anything but prove how big God has been in the Laing family then...still...hallelujah.

she has excelled. loves people. is so spunky and full of life. funny. loves Cedarmont Kids. (i hate them). i think she secretly understands spanish...the girl changes her dvd's to spanish every single time. and then changes them back. and then back again to Spanish. scared of small dogs. loves to hear people scream. known as "JANIE LANE" in her class by her classmates. stealer of lunch rolls in her class. spoiled by her teacher aides. loved by every single teacher at her school. fakes crying when she wants to be a baby. still sits in my lap. stealer of my bed. nap taker. book lover. plays my daddy's piano (she got all of the musical talents, i'm telling ya). a daddy's girl all the way but a sissy's girl when daddy is at work. loves the movies...mainly for the popcorn and laughing as i spill it. calls me "day." we are still not sure where that came from.

she is beauitfully perfect. HE. MAKES. BEAUTIFUL. THINGS.

so let me just encourage you today, if life is not going like you planned...take a step back and look at the beautiful thing that He is doing. His story is way better. and perfect.

Jamie, you are so loved.