Daddy, I'm scared.

so i remember being in sixth grade. it was a normal day. the week had been just a normal week of middle school life. we had done our commercials in Mrs.Byrd's class. Jacob had spilled his experiment on the floor and left quite the stain. we all left school in a hurried rush because some of them might miss the bus. and everyone was always screaming "i love you, bye" as we left. we were all family. we grew up together.

my daddy got home. told me something about a wreck he heard about on the way home. i didn't think anything of it. a wreck to a sixth grader is something uncomprehendable. it happened to a stranger. a poor family. we prayed for them. daddy really prayed for them.

hours passed.

our house phone rang. it was for me. it was mandy.

"hey ivy. did you hear?"

that's all i remember. i couldn't comprehend it. i didn't want to hear it. i was scared to death.

my friend jacob. was in that wreck. my friend jacob and his sister were trapped in the backseat. my friend jacob. died. as a sixth grader he left this earth to go dance with our Jesus.

the next hours were full of questions. full of tears. full of screaming. screaming in my room. screaming at God.

i distinctly remember with my hair soaking wet from the shower and all in my face sitting on the couch with my daddy. he patted his lap. i got right on it. i cried. him and mama probably shed quite a few of their own those next few hours and days. with swollen eyes and a hurting heart i looked at my daddy and i said, "daddy, i'm scared."

that fear was validated. it was understandable. i had realized how fragile life was. not just my Granny's life who died four years earlier but the lives of people my age. the lives of merely children. and i was scared. and i was honest. and i was raw. i didn't care who saw that.

and that is exactly where i am right now.

every single prayer starts or ends with "Daddy, i'm scared." this is a big year. i finish college. i fill out applications for the next step. i will seek God daily for where He wants the next season of my life to be spent. i am going to say goodbye to the only life i have ever known. school since i was 5. how do i do life without school? how do i leave Jamie? how do i think about getting on a plane and praying my grandparents won't get sick while i am serving overseas?

these questions plague my mind. and i am not going to even attempt to act like i have it all together. i am a mess. a wreck. but the thought of not going where He sends me makes me even more of a wreck. the lives He is preparing in this very moment. the harvest He is preparing. it gets me so excited. so excited to see what He is going to do this year. in the next five years. in the next twenty years of my life. to see where He will take me and my future husband. to imagine the red, yellow, black, and white family that He has for me. everything is moving so fast. i can remember writing in my journal about 2010. and now. its long gone. His promises still remain though. He doesn't lie. ever. and He will come through.

2 more semesters to shine on my campus. 2 more semesters to reach my professors. 2 more semesters to be intentional with every single word. every single action. every single attitude. every single grade. i have Jesus. and i need to represent Him in the purest light i know how.

and that scares me. merely weeks to show them Christ. merely weeks.

i will not stand back and watch my peers run away from God. pretend He is dead. because He is alive. and He is stirring up a revolution bigger than anyone can ever imagine. He is here. even now. even when the problems of this world seem strong, He is stronger. He is good. He is in control even.now.


Daddy, i'm scared but i'm jumping anyways.