Sunday, November 14, 2010

falling. watching. learning.

i don't think i quite know how to describe these past few months other than: insanity. but i have found the most beautiful hope in my Heavenly Daddy.

He is strong. and good. and my best friend. and He doesn't say mean things to me. or criticize my dreams. or look at me like i am crazy. He just loves me. in this striking, take my breath away kind of way.

my basket is full with classes. and friends. and homework. and family. and church. and dreaming. and my homeless friends. but i don't think i would have it any other way. you take one of those things away and i am not Ivy. i need them. i want them. i love them.

these past few months, i have been typing away lettters, making lists, and sending thank-you notes all in preparation for a mission trip to Haiti in December.

but. it has been cancelled. looks like cholera is a bigger deal than i ever dreamed. and i want to be there. but His plan is bigger. and i am just being human when i say i don't understand. and my heart longs to walk those streets. and love those kids. and one day i will. the list He gave me long says so.

that week was kind of like when you are 6. and you learn how to ride your bike. you fall. you get this huge bloody scrape on your knee. you sit in the road and cry. and then your Daddy comes. he picks you up. and holds you. and whispers how much he loves you and how proud he is. and then. you get back on the bike.

that's exactly what it was like. and i am back on the bike. and i am eager to see what December holds. because my Heavenly Daddy makes no mistakes. i do. but He doesn't.

i mess up all the time. and i am not a perfect friend. and i am certainly not the best daughter or sister. but i am His. and i am a recovering sinner. we all are.

but i am thankful for His love. and for His grace. and for Him pouring out blessings. because we don't deserve it.

my small group is going through James. realling digging into it. and let me just say. it will mess you up.

because i don't go to the prisons and share the gospel. and i don't spend time at the hospital. and these things are gonna have to change.

and i have to love the poor with a deeper sacrificial love. and i don't know exactly what that looks like. but i think it started when my socks came off. and Clayton all of a sudden had warm feet.

i want to be at a point where if someone needs shoes...i take mine off. no question. and if someone needs a book at school and can't afford it...i get into my savings and pay for it. i just wanna love hard. and love them like Jesus.

i want to carry the burdens of the mourning. and love the ones who can't love me back. and turn the other cheek when people speak harsh things towards me.

and i can't do it alone. and i realize this all seems a little bit intense. but my God is one intense God. and He calls us to give away all we have to follow Him. and most days that scares me to death. and then there are days Jeep could pay for a house in Africa. i look forward to the day of college graduation. i look forward to the day of running into His plans wide open. not that i am not in His plan right now because let me tell you He has great things planned for that campus. and my professors. they have no idea.

i am sorry i am rambled. my heart is kind of a mess. and i don't have it all together. and i think He likes it that way.