laying there trying to go to sleep. it was dark. so dark that the blackness almost made me feel like I couldn't breathe. my mind was racing. my heart was heavy. and my cheeks were wet with tears. it was a muffled sort of cry because the last thing i wanted to do was to wake hilary up with my crying.
our last night together. not forever but for 2 years which feels like forever.
the last time we would fall asleep next to each other giggling. and wake each other back to tell another story.
the last time we would say, "if you wake up first, wake me up."
the last time i woke up to her being silly. and screaming for me to get up.
she is my sister. my sister cousin. she is my best friend.
with only ten months that seperate us in age...we have seen it all together. she has seen me cry when jamie had seizures and no one else could quite understand me. I have seen her clog, play clarinet, play guitar, and everything else the "jack of all trades" has attempted. we have spent many summers at the beach perfecting the "cousin club" rules. there is honestly not a good memory that i have without her in it. our lives are entangled. even hours away. that's just the way our lives have always been.
and it changed.
change is good. and the change was coming. I knew that. but when it happened it hurt worse than i thought.
she moves to Senegal with the peace corps on march 7. that's on the other side of the world. not the same state. not the same continent. the coast of Africa. and that is really exciting.
but you see, I have never seen this side of things.
I have always been the one going. the one talking about moving to another continent. and seeing the fear on the faces of my friends and family. I have never had to see someone do it. I have never been on this side. and I can't quite decide how I feel about it yet.
am I proud? oh, you know it.
am I going to visit? as soon as possible.
will I tell everyone I know about her adventures? count on it.
but that goodbye was the hardest thing I have ever done in this life. gasping for air with tear stained clothes isn't how i wanted the goodbye to look like. but we knew it was coming. and come it did.
and as I type with the swollen eyes and an expectant heart, I beg for you to intercede for Hilary. for peace. and comfort. and for His amazing story to play out in Senegal like we never imagined.
He's able. and worth it.
if that goodbye did nothing else it made me more able to be sympathetic with the most important people in my life that can't bear the thought of me moving away. far away. I get it. I see the other side. and man. it's intense.