Wednesday, March 9, 2011

longing for His fame.

as soon as my feet hit the floor on tuesday i knew that it was one of those days. the enemy of our souls was up to no good and was aiming for my campus. and i felt it. as soon as i drove up. as soon as i sat down in my classroom.

say what you want to that Christianity isn't risky. say it. maybe it isn't for you. but you stand up for His word and see the dirty looks. and hear the comments. it is intense. and it should be. He is worth every awkward glance.

the Bible was slammed. He was discredited. He was described as messing up big time.

it looks like i should be used to it by now. i mean this is my next to last semester. its what i hear day in and day out. but it was different this day. it was dark. and harsh. and i wanted to run out of the classroom. and as soon as the door open i was gone. with tears streaming. it was one of those days. those days where quitting is the most beautiful idea i have ever had. but He wants me there and there i will stay until He says when. and that when is coming in December.

i felt alone. and discouraged. and then i listened to the passion cd. like a revival to my ears. how perfect those songs are for my soul right now. so perfect.

i was also asked "wouldn't you like to be a normal college student?"

i am not even sure what that would look like. but my answer was no. trade this everyday craziness for way jose.

and even in those days that i feel alone. i know i am not. because He is there. He was there before i got there. and He is there when i leave. and i have this incredible net of co-workers in the Truth.

and one day someone will finally "get" my dreams, not just support them but actually fully understand them...and i so look forward to that day.

if it means i have to stand alone for Him to be famous on that campus, i am willing.
if it means being "abnormal", i am so okay with that. normal is relative anyways.

these past couple of weeks has been the realization that i am more "tied down" to Albany that i thought. and it's not even by a husband or children of my own. its the people that i serve. and my homeless friends. and my mento. and i am perfectly okay with all of this.

my heart is kind of splattered all over the place. i guess that is normal? i am not really sure if it is or not but it is true.

i long for a plan ride across the ocean.
and a hut.
and dirt floors.
and long walks to church every Sunday.
and fresh cut flowers being sold out of a cart on the corner.
and the cutest children i have ever seen.

but i don't just simply want to go. i need to be sent. and He needs to be the one to send me. and He will. when He is ready.

that may be when i graduate. and that may be a year after i graduate. i can honestly say that i have no plans after graduation. which is the scariest thing ever since i am a planner at heart. my Type A personality wants to have a set plan. and unfortunately our God just doesn't work like that sometimes.

fill out applications for overseas...i am doing it presently.
fill out applictations for here...i will do it.
wait. quietly. and patiently....i must.

what a process this senior year has been. what love He has graced me with. and what amazing people has He brought into my life. i am blessed beyond words. i have an incredible net of women who pour into me like no other, i have best friends who pray Psalm 91 over me everyday, and i have the sweetest mento around.

i am happy here. i am in love with this season of my life.

most intense month of my life is still taking place. its the new normal.