the other side of the coin.

laying there trying to go to sleep. it was dark. so dark that the blackness almost made me feel like I couldn't breathe. my mind was racing. my heart was heavy. and my cheeks were wet with tears. it was a muffled sort of cry because the last thing i wanted to do was to wake hilary up with my crying.

our last night together. not forever but for 2 years which feels like forever.

the last time we would fall asleep next to each other giggling. and wake each other back to tell another story.

the last time we would say, "if you wake up first, wake me up."

the last time i woke up to her being silly. and screaming for me to get up.

she is my sister. my sister cousin. she is my best friend.

with only ten months that seperate us in age...we have seen it all together. she has seen me cry when jamie had seizures and no one else could quite understand me. I have seen her clog, play clarinet, play guitar, and everything else the "jack of all trades" has attempted. we have spent many summers at the beach perfecting the "cousin club" rules. there is honestly not a good memory that i have without her in it. our lives are entangled. even hours away. that's just the way our lives have always been.

and it changed.

change is good. and the change was coming. I knew that. but when it happened it hurt worse than i thought.

she moves to Senegal with the peace corps on march 7. that's on the other side of the world. not the same state. not the same continent. the coast of Africa. and that is really exciting.

but you see, I have never seen this side of things.

I have always been the one going. the one talking about moving to another continent. and seeing the fear on the faces of my friends and family. I have never had to see someone do it. I have never been on this side. and I can't quite decide how I feel about it yet.

am I proud? oh, you know it.

am I going to visit? as soon as possible.

will I tell everyone I know about her adventures? count on it.

but that goodbye was the hardest thing I have ever done in this life. gasping for air with tear stained clothes isn't how i wanted the goodbye to look like. but we knew it was coming. and come it did.

and as I type with the swollen eyes and an expectant heart, I beg for you to intercede for Hilary. for peace. and comfort. and for His amazing story to play out in Senegal like we never imagined.

He's able. and worth it.

if that goodbye did nothing else it made me more able to be sympathetic with the most important people in my life that can't bear the thought of me moving away. far away. I get it. I see the other side. and man. it's intense.

love is a weapon.

L-O-V-E. it's the four letter word that people throw around. we color it with red and pink. we decorate it with hearts and glitter. and we talk about it like it's a disease this time of the year.

"created in Christ Jesus for good works which He has prepared in advance for us to do." Ephesians 2:10.

you're probably thinking that this verse has nothing to do with love. but actually it has EVERYTHING to do with love.

first, we were created....because He loved us. secondly, He has prepared things for us to do...because He loves us. and lastly, He has good works for us to do for others...because He loves them.

it's this perfect, romantic, jaw dropping, awe inspiring, breathtaking kind of love.

stop for a second. really think about it. He loves us so much that He has a story for us to live out. and not just some cheesey romantic novel you buy for a buck fifty but an adventure with a love story put in at just the right time. there are people for us to touch. works to accomplish for His kingdom.

and He didn't give us passions and dreams for us to just sit there and think about them. go live it. and this love isn't supposed to be lived just in the four walls of your church. it isn't supposed to be kept between you and your Christian best friends. it isn't supposed to be given to people who look like you. no, this love is meant for your world. your city. for your school. every single person you come into contact with. God loves them so much! and He is sending you places to tell them that. to show them that love.

L-O-V-E is weapon for His kingdom. something that Satan cannot combat with. because people of this world don't get it. it's all foolishness to them.

go give some food to the homeless man you pass every single day. go to the government housing in your city and pray over it. go sit by someone you don't know and listen to their story.

stop keeping it to yourself. use the weapon He has given us. it drives out fear. and it shakes the grounds of Hell.

my prayer for you this Valentine's Day is not that you find your soulmate. or not that your spouse takes you out on some fabulous date. i hope you don't find satisfaction in a dozen roses or a cute boy. nope. i pray that you sacrifice- pouring out yourself for someone for His glory.

praying this becomes your heart:
"I am the Lord's servant, may it be done to me according to Your will." Luke 1:38

be willing. surrender your story for His. live His love out. and shake the grounds of hell.

tell me how you used love!

life interrupted.

so these past 2 weeks have been a little like a a pot being broken. then put back together. then smashed on the ground. then put back together. and the cycle continues.

praying for um, i would say a good 2 years of where God would send me when i graduate college. big dreams. He is a God of big dreams and cools stories. feeding the hungry. setting the slaves free. getting the poor clothing. easing the hurts of the mourning. all of that Isaiah 58 stuff.

waiting. waiting. waiting on it.


and bam.

it hit me like a boulder. in the face. all of those things up there....they need to be done here. right now.


i love this city. i serve this city. this city has seen my best days. the ugliest, broken cries. me and Albany have this beautiful history of my 22 years of life so far. but you know...everyone knows i am called to missions. everyone knows that one day i won't be living here. and i just assumed that living overseas would be easier without a husband and kids. you know...taking the easy route i suppose.

yeah, general conclusion...He isn't looking for the easy route. and i don't know best. best may be me married with 7 kids in tow. who knows. i sure don't. i can't see the next steps like He does. and i am really grateful for that because it would probably freak me out.

Albany is His. and it is hurting. and it needs restoration. and quite frankly, God doesn't need us to do that. He just doesn't. He's God. He can do the story on His own. but He LETS us. He wants us to be a little part of the story. to be able to glorify Him by serving the city.

does this mean i know what this next year holds? definately a negative. do i know that it is going to be bigger and better than i can dream? you betcha.

so giving up what i had my heart set on to let Him take over...it's a beautiful mess. and my heart is a little all over the place. i don't have it all together and i am pretty sure He likes it like that.

so i am living for today. not the day when i graduate. not the day when i get on the plane for THAT plane ride. it's about living to honor Him and living to love others in the process.

so for right now, Albany is my Nineveh.

His interruptions are probably some of the most beautiful things we can ever experience. i am rather stoked about these next few months.

**disclaimer: family, this does not mean that i will not leave after graduation. it is my Nineveh NOW, let's think about that day when it comes:)