never once.

it was a rainy morning. pretty perfect for the mood of the compound as I had my bags packed and outside my door.

the kids were quiet. not the typical morning we were used to. they didn't talk at breakfast. and they certainly made no jokes.

the sound of the dirt made an extra crunch as I walked to the shop one last time.

one last time to hear "ivy, ivy. ivy" screamed from all the neighborhood children.
one last time to hold Shima's hand. interlocked. white and black. exactly how He envisioned.
one last time to hear I love you's.
one last time to memorize every line of their face.

one last time happened a few hours ago. and I am most confident that I will never be the same.

airports give time to think. flying alone gives moments alone. just by yourself. alone. praying. crying. crying. crying.

it was a hard morning. but it's not so much the "lasts" that get me. it's that this whole journey is over.

when I left djibouti...another country was stealing my heart. but now I am mourning my leaving DJ too. my heart is for those people. for my kids. for the babies.

I am not so naive as to think Satan will not take my weak heart and try to tell me lies. I am confident this week will be the toughest back home.

he has started. "you didn't do anything worthwhile." "why go back?" "no one was even saved."

but he seems to ALWAYS froget that my God already won. and always wins the war.

He has my heart. and though it may be shaken, it will not fail.

so as I sit in this airport alone waiting for Amsterdam. I will praise Him. confident He is at work. confident that He is holding my heart. and confident His very hand is the one drying my tears.

there have been scars (I have MANY physical scars). there have been struggles. there have been battles. and bad dreams. there have been children that have died. there have been people who rejected Him. but.

never once.

He never left. He never will.

never once.
have I realized His love more than I did in Africa.

haye aan ammaanno!

{let us praise Him!} (somali)

never once. not one time.

i could get arrested for this.

it was warm outside. a dry, hot night that caused me to spend my evening sitting outside my room. taking in Africa for the last week. soaking in the sights and smells.

the boys had just used my soap {the one that smells like sunflowers} and the showers were filling the compound with a sweet aroma. they were wet and tired after a LONG night of soccer.

i have come to learn when teenage boys get tired, they get mad. and when they get mad they act stupidly.

a rock thrown on the hard ground startled me and caused me to look up. and there it was.

the boys. the boys without parents of their own. the boys who call each other brothers. the boys who are desperate for love and affection.

the boys were on the ground. fist to fist. face to face. tirelessly shoving one another. hitting one another. kicking one another.

quickly the adults ran to seperate them while i was alone. in my thoughts. and severely praying for peace among them.

tears flowing. hot tears kept flowing and i couldn't make them stop.

they were screaming things in amharic. hurtful things. about how they were both unwanted. that their parents threw them away. that even the food they eat was not theirs.

these boys fought. why? because hurt people hurt other people.

and then. it hits me.

why am i sitting here in tough, hard, exhausting spiritual warfare for one more week?
why am i missing home like crazy and killing mosquitoes every minute of every day?

love. the reason is love.

i love these boys DEEPLY. God loves them even more. and He wants them to know that.
to feel His presence. to feel secure in His love. to know that He is their defender when no one else is there to defend them.

so desperately, i wait.

i wait on the day to leave. i anxiously await seeing my sister's face. but more importantly i cover this country in sweet prayers, desperately wanting THESE kids to be the change. to be the ones to bring Him fame here.


love. love is always the reason.

And let us consider this: may we spur one another towards acts of LOVE. Hebrews 10:24.