today..I wonder about 5 years from now.

I don't have a lot to say today. Mostly because I am so busy I cannot even think straight on my day off.

But I wonder...in five years...will my life look like this.

Or will it look more like this. (with a child that looks a little more like me. haha.)

Or this.

What I hope most is that it is a comination. of all three of those pictures.

His plans are bigger. His ways are better. Sometimes I don't know exactly what He is up to...but I am liking it:)

He's too good for me. But He loves me anyways.

capital punishment. loving each other deeply. and knowing my Daddy.

disclaimer: yes, this is really a post about capital punishment. and yes, i do live in south Georgia. and yes, i realize people may think this is over the top.

today, a LSU graduate student came to interview for a position at Southwestern. of course, it would be my class that he taught/was watched in.

he was nervous. he was awkward. he seemed super nice. he had red hair.

we talked about capital punishment. people being put to death wrongly. and how minorities are put to death more than white people. and my heart just hurts thinking about it again.

we filled out a survey and i said i didn't agree with it. i was one of like 3 in the liberal class who thought this. it was eye opening. aren't liberals for life in prison?

anyways, here is the deal. i honestly don't know if it is right. i am tired of taking everyone else's word for it. so i will search and pray and search some more. because my Daddy cares enough to let me know.

if someone ever hurt Jamester...i would want something done. probably not just prison. so this is where it gets tough. my human heart wants to say yes...but does God truly like what is going on?
... in Matthew 5:39 Jesus tells us to "turn the other cheek."
BUT
...in Isaiah 1:17 it says "learn to do right! seek justice, encourage the oppressed, defend the cause of the fatherless, and plead the case of the widow."


over the last few years....
Texas executed 379.
Georgia executed 38.
Tennessee executed 2.

for a few minutes today i wanted to move to TN, but then He reminded me of something...our world is corrupt and messed every single place i ever go.

my.heart. is. heavy.

today, being an English major at a Christian school would have been so much easier. but i think He has proved Himself faithful this week. He has screamed love. He has made God-things happen. and He has shown Himself not only to me, but to my professor who i love dearly through a friend's blog.

and so when i am confused. i will trust.
and when i can't see. i will trust.

September.

this molding of my heart is continual. and beautiful. and i am really loving what He is doing.

and what He began doing that day in September.

Orlando. Mid September. Worship. with 40,000 other women.

it was amazing. and life changing. for so many reasons.

i was exhausted. and it refreshed me.

i was losing hope. and oh, how He renewed it.

i wasn't sure. and He made it so clear.

and then to top it all off, He allowed connections to be made. in THE most unexpected place ever. and for that i am forever grateful.

i guess He knows my heart better than i do, huh?

i will leave you with this random picture. why you ask? because it makes me laugh and shows the joy that my Daddy pours over me. :)

sometimes the things.

sometimes the things that freak me out the most are the things that people say without thinking. knowing. or even caring.

today a girl (who knows nothing about my deep passions) said to me for the second or third time, "do you think one of your children is already alive?"

and the answer is always, "i. don't. know." i don't have it all together. i can't even imagine what He has in store these next few years.

dirt floors. mud shacks. loud streets. crowded orphanages. hurting people. His people. my future.

my heart beats funny during these moments. i feel Him re-arranging the rooms of my heart.


thanks for holding this heart, Daddy.

pictionary. Clayton. light bulbs.

Sometimes when He speaks to me, it just makes sense and I cannot get over it. No matter how many times it happens...I STILL get chill bumps, my heart beats faster, and my stomach feels funny and I think that is exactly the way I should feel when the Lover of my soul speaks to me. Maybe I am just crazy.

There is going to be a point in my life where I know no one, people don't "get" my heart or passions, and people won't understand what I am saying (literally). I might even have to use my mad pictionary skills to get through a language barrier or two AND to find the nearest 7-11.

And I am excited. I am scared but in the coolest way possible. I avoided this for a long time?! If that is possible. It was much easier to think about having the white picket fence, kids in private school, SUV to pick them up from piano lessons life than to really consider the passions instilled in me.

I don't know what the next 10 years hold. Geeze, I don't even know what the next 10 weeks hold. But what I know to be true is that every time I take a step His light is shining on my step. And yes, I wish I could see a few steps in front of me but doesn't that take the joy out of the journey and the trust out of our Daddy?

He's good. He's got it. He is preparing me...in ways I never imagined.

Throwing me into a liberal major. a religion class with atheists. and people that hate my Jesus but want to be my friend. didn't seem like it would EVER be in my journey. but it is and yes, it is the hardest thing I have ever done. I like knowing what they believe though. I like knowing that this might be preparing me for a mission field that is full of darkness. He is my light. and He is lighting up that campus.

The way He puts things together still gets my heart racing and my blood pumping. It doesn't make any sense to me right now, but one day I know it will.

And this week I got an answer to a prayer. One of my greatest blessings is to be able to be His hands and feet. And one of my favorite people downtown as been MIA lately and it had me worried. Part of me wanted to know that he was okay but then I just couldn't help but dream that he could have found a job, found a house, not need me anymore. But I saw him earlier and he didn't need me but I needed that conversation. He knows that God has put him in a valley for a reason and in his drunken stupor he explained the love he has for Him. It was the most beautiful thing.

And tonight, my heart is hopeful. expectant, and anticipating the next few steps.

He is the One who knows me like the back of His hand so how can I not be stoked?!

Please tell me of the ways He is showing up in your life!