just right.

I find myself here alot lately...sitting in "THE" chair in my living room. Alot of important things in my life happen while in this spot, my quiet times, my conversations with God, studying, homework, journaling, and this is the exact spot where I realized God's plan for my life. Quite an amazing spot. Here lately, this spot is my comfort zone. The place where I completely become an open book, letting God speak to me in ways I never imagined before. I come to this place with jumbled insides, a burdened heart, and many things on my mind.

I have to admit, I have not felt like myself these past couple of weeks. I've gotten pretty good at faking the "I'm okay" look, but I'm not. Sometimes my heart feels so burdened that I think it might explode. Sometimes I think of all I want to do with my life and I am completely overwhelmed. Sometimes I think of even how old I am and get a bit freaked out. Its a weird feeling I have. I feel jumbled, uncertain, uneasy, and a bit chaotic, but at the same time I feel peace. I feel like I am in the right place. The right place for God to use me. I feel like I am coming into a new season in my life, where God is being revealed to me more than ever before. I feel as though I might be in the right place to receive the boldness I have been seeking.

One thing that has set me back is my fear. My fear of disappointing others and my Heavenly Father. God has put some AMAZING, encouraging people in my life. I feel quite humbled when these people say things like, "you are going to make a diffence" but I also feel something else. FEAR. I am so scared I will let them down. Even more terrified that I will let God down.

My heart these days is just not normal. Burdened by too many things to count. I know I shouldn't worry about things, but sometimes its just so hard not to. I lose sleep at night over people...yes, people. I worry about them, worry they won't realize the way they are living is wrong, worry they will waste their lives instead of living it for the One who created all life, worry they will forget the whole reason we are all here in the first place.

But you see, I am not satisfied anymore. I can't just climb over the mountains without knowing where I am headed. I won't aimlessly go about my life, just getting by, but instead I insist on seeking His will for every step I take.

I give it all to Him.
Its all I can do.